Reflecting on the First Half ✦ 2025

It’s easy for doubt to creep in. Doubt doesn’t regard barred windows or locked doors. It’s gaseous, thick, putrid, toxic. It seeps through the cracks in the foundation and slinks down darkened hallways of your mind, in a hunt to catch you from behind. It’s chloroform for your hopes and dreams.

Doubt pours in when the things you want aren’t coming fast “enough”. Doubt suffocates when you have an off day. Doubt multiplies when you believe it. It brings its buddies wherever it goes: Fear and Imposter Syndrome and with them, Resistance and Anxiety and Depression. All of the baddies are buddies.

I had a case of the baddies this week. (I’ll post more about this fear of being messy and the need to be free later.) It came to a head yesterday in a pile of snotty tears and a disgust for everything my life “isn’t yet”.

This morning, throwing half of my hair into a sweat-slick scrunchi, I threw a glare my husband’s direction for informing me that “it’s July 2nd! We’re officially closer to 2050 than the year 2000!” So Rude of Him. My first instinct to was to lament about how little I’ve accomplished this year. He’s had a marvelous year. He’s come leaps and bounds in various aspects of his life, and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I still felt a little less-than-proud of myself. He corrected me.

So I suppose I’m here, now, to actually list out the things I’ve accomplished this year, to reflect on the things I’ve done, the things I am proud of, in hopes to shrug this doubt and fear and their bad friends from my shoulders. I’m sealing up the cracks of my house and filling the air with the perfume of hope and love, or however else to continue this metaphor.

✦ I wrote the rough draft of an entire book this year, a romance novel. It’s a second chance romance about two small town ranchers rekindling their feelings and fighting over their home. It means a lot to me. It always will.

✦ I remained disciplined. I worked on it every single day.

✦ I took it to Arizona with me and worked on it there for my Mom’s birthday. Arizona has become one of my happiest places.

✦ I took a Gothic Romance writing class with a good friend. It terrified me, and then it boosted my confidence in myself and my skills. I learned so much about the genre. It really got the wheels turning for all of the possibilities of what I could make.

✦ I went to Montana to visit my Grandma after my Grandpa’s passing. God, that woman is so strong. I admire her so much. I strive to have her strength.

✦ I finished my book in the San Francisco airport on my way there, and that’s a core memory I’ll never forget. I closed my document and rushed onto the plane and cried out the window for love and loss and strength and endurance and pride.

✦ I got to spend time squishing my nephews.

✦ I started my Substack! Having a space like this, a log for all of my thoughts, a time capsule from this point in my life has been something I’ve been wanting for years. I’m really proud of myself for sticking with it. I love this little piece of the internet.

✦ I went to support my best friend in her first theatre debut in over a decade. I’m so unbelievably proud of her for following her dreams and doing the things that light her up. She was made for this.

✦ I started the rough draft of another romance novel, and struggled through it. But I wrote a good twelve thousand words in that draft.

✦ Another of my best friends came to see me. We met in person for the first time, and spent the next week staying up far too late discussing our books and our hopes and dreams. I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun in my entire life.

✦ We plotted a book together. It’s going to combine our love for horror and romance and dogs.

✦ We went to three concerts in a row. I think this is the biggest proof of my growth in my mental health journey. Two years ago, I went to a concert with friends and had a severe panic attack before the band even started. I had the EMTs called on me. I thought I was dying. At the end of this month, I’ll be on my 5th concert of the year.

✦ I flew, by myself, to Minnesota to go to concert four, and I had one of the best weekends ever. I truly have never felt so confident. I still think about it every day.

✦ I restarted draft two of my horror novel, and the pieces all started to fall into place.

This is what I’m meant to be doing. I’m meant to write and to share my journey and to encourage others to pursue their passions and their art, to be there for the people I care about through their journeys.

What do you reckon? Have I done an okay spackle job? I definitely feel better. My shoulders are lighter. I can breathe again. I am proud of myself. That list is longer than I thought it would be. That feels good.

I guess now I’d like to you to answer a few questions for me, please.

✦ What would you consider your biggest accomplishments to be for the first half of this year? ✦ What’s a smaller accomplishment that, when you dig deeper, you realize was actually monumental? ✦ Have you made any core memories yet? ✦ Has Doubt found you? ✦ How have you learned to shake him off?

Let’s discuss.

Thanks, as always, for reading. ✦

I look forward to sharing the rest of my year with you.

xo